倒数十天....

最近忙着工作，压力从来未减少过，很想给自己放个假，可惜公司不批准。只好等到明年吧，再过十天就是明年了，时间过得真快，今年的改变最大，思想也成熟很多，也可以说是环境改变这一切。

目前为止，还未为自己想过whether我有实现我的new year resolution吗？也还没为2008 做出任何打算。今年唯一遗憾的是爱情彻底失败......或也可以说是从未开始过。我每次都在想是我有问题吗？可能吧....可能if compare with 其他人，我没他们那么厉害用手段。不然就是现在的男生没眼光.......哈哈，那我就不知道，也无法掌控。But whatever is it, 顺其自然吧，这四个字已挂在我嘴边几年了.....

Relax.....

最近，可能真的被stress effected，今天又做错事了，又是一个粗心的错误。Even APK 也察觉到我最近很不稳定，他还不停的给我鼓励，也关心我。我也不知道我为什么会那么粗心，看来我必须检讨检讨。明天就是appraisal了，看来我要准备应付他们的疑问了，还是别给自己那么多压力。

今天，发生一件很奇怪的事。平时要进公司时，如果我走得慢，前面那个人，不管是认知或不认识的，都不会hold着门等我。这次，我们公司的‘白马王子’尽然hold着门等我，还让我进先，我那时在想东西，也没想到他会等我，其实他还有说些东西，but我还很blur，脑里还在想着刚才的东西，结果只是一笑而过，也不好意思再问他。希望他没发觉我没在听吧........哈哈。嗨.......真的是blur到极点。

明天要清醒一点啊！

矛盾

很快的明天就要开工了，原本今晚要跟爸妈他们去喝喜酒，结果还是prefer呆在家里，我到底在干什么呢？为什么我一直把自己封闭呢？我也不知道我自己在想什么，真矛盾！

突然觉得明天好像有事情会发生，不是坏事，but感觉好像是我一直以来都在逃避的东西.....那就是爱情。希望我这次的知觉是错的吧。

一直以来，我都知道我这一生其实要好几次爱神已敲上门，结果还是因我心理的障碍，而放弃了这些机会。我根本就不敢想象将来会是怎么样，可能目前为止，还不清楚自己想要的是什么。想回去，之前有好几次，为了避免恋爱开始，我每次选择逃避.........我还记得Koh Soon有一次为了还我东西，追了我几次，捉到我时，他竟然告诉我说别再跑了.....放心吧我以后不会再烦你。其实我很对不起他，根本就不是他的错，是我自己的问题..........算了吧，都已两年了，我们碰见面几次都像陌生人一样。看来以后碰面也是一样吧.........

到现在其实我还是不知道我要什么，唯一肯定的是我现在只想concentrate在工作上，其他的事顺其自然吧，有些事要来挡也挡不住，不要来的硬硬避它来也没用.......

Stress

好不容易终于等到星期六了， 原本以为今天不用工作。But 是没可能的啦，发梦！Yuan Peng 好大胆，竟然告诉TL说不要来工作，因要去演唱会。他也是说得对，不然要浪费演唱会的票吗？！我呢，原本要去KLCC shopping个痛快的，怎知道听到公司的同事也打算去那儿，害到我不想去那儿碰见他们。结果还是跑回家了......

只觉得这样的生活好闷，就像没生活一样。很想找节目立刻发泄自己，这样下去我会因压力大而发狂。看来我需settle我工作上的压力before我可以move on with my life。还好我生活里还没有另一半，不然我一定会不小心拿他来出气。

But then 谁不怕寂寞呢？有时很想在人生低潮时，投进爱人的怀抱里，感觉一些人间温暖。这种天真的想法应该只会在我梦里发生吧！

Inner peace

Yesterday scolded by APK........but this time is really my mistake. May be all this stress has really effected me some how. Now I'm really confuse whether my judgement is correct or not. All this while I thought that I'm right........but this time I doubt. This weekend did review back what are the mistakes that I've done..........and trying to find out what's my problem. But still I don't know what should I do from now onwards........

Read an article today, regarding inner peace...........it's crucial to seek inner peace before searching for peace externally. May be now my inner peace isn't stable........

Here's a few tips from the article, hope to share with you:

• do things without expectation
• look forward and don't ponder on your past and regret
• need not to prove yourself right or others wrong as facts don't need proof
• don't interfere in other's business unless asked
• remove ill feelings inside our heart and mind
• don't be envious of other's success
• handle what you can and don't overload yourself.
• accept the fact that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, which can also be valid
• respect yourself as a human being and give yourself a moment of peace
• be truthful to yourself and others.

All this seems so easy to be said but not easy to practice, but then it's worth the try as I have very high expectation on myself and I always like to prove that I'm right. Besides who's doesn't jealous of other ppl's success.........no wonder my inner peace were so disturb.

AAaaahhhhhhh..........

AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.................................

I just wanna shout my lungs out right now. Why I'm still in such a company? Why??? Not only I feel that I'm not appreciated, I even feel like a fool. All this while work so hard, but in the end, seems like nothing done.

Today they asked us to update our productivity record, they say only record those cases done during office hours, the rest all can't be included. They meant office hours which is 8.30am to 5.30pm...............I was thinking I stayed back so late trying to finish up as much cases as possible, I didn't even claim OT for that, meaning now I doing for nothing as it's not counted as it's out of office hours...........

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................

By right everyone's productivity should be 100% and above, that's the minimal. Now mine only 95%.................I don't know what to say.............................these only shows that I'm not doing much work but the actual fact is I did more or even double of it. I only felt I wanna resign.........................All these wasn't what I really want.

Boring life....

Wishing you all the best........doesn't sound like it's meant for me. Likely is for someone that he cares from now onwards..........

Yesterday working over time again, just did what I'm suppose to do. At least I did manage to hit my daily target which is a good thing as others were desperately finding cases in order to hit the target. May be this is the tiny luck that I still have with me.

My brother took the car, so I walk to the nearest station to take the train. That walk is the longest walk...........eventhough I'm not walking alone, but my mind was not with them. This job, you come, open PC, work, work, work, then close PC and go home. This isn't really what I want..........I should really seek some interesting thing to do with my life besides working. Or else I'll really turn mad.

Going for a trip with my friends seems impossible as I'm really not good at planning trips, may be I should find some activites alone. At least I can do it whenever I want..........

Hhm.......learning some new skill like cooking??........reading Tarot card??..........shopping, haha this no need skill,only need money............may be I should see any charity org that needs volunteer...........this seems more better.

29th November 2007

This really wasn’t what I really want…….what do I want actually?

No one is talking thru their heart, that’s how I look at people nowadays. Am I being too depress to think like that? Or I’m just being realistic?

I really don’t understand, all of us working in the same company, all working towards one goal. Why there’s still competition between staff? Is that what they always call as ‘office politics’? Then I really know that I suck in this kind of politics and definitely not a good player.

Just now there’s been a heavy rain and the traffic was just ‘terrific’. So I stay put in office, trying to be a kind soul, clearing some cases without claiming money for OT. But seniors don’t want to let me do. OK I don’t mind, I did put an effort by asking work from them, so it’s not my problem. Anyone should be glad to have a staff like me, but not in this company.

After being in the actual work flow for 1 month, it doesn’t seem to satisfy me, it seems to frustrate me more. May be this work isn’t what I really want in life. I know I could survive here but then I might not be happily survived. May be I shouldn’t bother about those office politics and just create a world of own. Doing things that I’m happy at…….