累

最近，心里很累。不想再想那些事了，想了也不会有任何改变。单方面的改变起不了很大的作用，还是实际一点赚多一点钱吧。

心里的恐惧

最近，心里一直胡思乱想，之从training那一个星期，他对我那么好，让我觉得不自在，也很害怕。平时，我都是第一个来到公司，他呢平时都是最迟的那个.........星期一那天早上，我真的被吓到.......他竟然第二个到公司，我有问他为什么，但他也没答我，我也不问下去了。其实我根本不想知道，但以同事的份上，我是应该问的。还好接下来那几天他恢复正常了，都是迟到的那位。我就放心一些......之少可避免早上只有我和他那种尴尬的情况。

这几天，其实我尽量避开他，有什么公事都传达其他人告诉他.......如果必不得已，我对他的语气都瞒差......前几天，为了和他讨论公事，他不但还不明白，还把我搞到快要气死和吐血........嗨，也不是他的错，只是我不想和他对话太久，东西解释得太简陋搞到他不明白。还好昨天他没来工作，之少有什么事，我可以找其他人。

其实，今天有insurance walk，我的朋友都放飞机了，所以我也没去。原本我无所谓一个人去，但我不想见到他，还是呆在家里最好。

Bon Odori

Yesterday went to Bon Odori. It's the 32nd time it is held in Malaysia.....always heard of it but never really went there before. So since I'm so bored at home yesterday, may be hardly have so much time at home especially on a Saturday where I usually end up in the office. Over there full of foods which are suppose to be from Japan, but to me it taste more like normal malaysian food except for the sushi which is still made by malaysian. Anyway the vendor over there should be making quite a lot of money as the foods are pricy. Might thought of next year pretend as japanese and set up a booth......might earn more than my OT. Lol.......

Back to the festive, there's the famous cultural dance.....everyone seem to enjoy it very much. The crowd also tremendous.......I know the Japanese came is due to the meaning of this festive but the others? May be just like me.......to get to know what this festive means. But til now, don't really get it. May be the Malaysia version doesn't really achieve its original purposes. If have the chance to go to Japan, I think it should feel better than this. Noted some dress up as Cosplay characters, which is even more out of topic. But anyway, lots of japanese children wearing kimono, and they look so kawaii!

This little girl actually wants to take picture with me (white kimono), but she's very shy. Her sister (left) refuse to accompany her so she also afraid. But she's so CUTE!!!

**PS: Currently making a habit to upload photos while blogging, to share some nice stuff with you all. My taiwan trip photo still pending til now, sumimasen.....

很快五天的training也这样的结束了.......我在想念着什么呢？心里又在想那些不三不四的东西。其实他对每个人都那么好，自己又想多了。我这个人真的是太少人对我好了，难怪我会误会得那么深。真傻！为何我那么天真呢？

算了吧，还好training已完了，可以清醒的分析，什么是真爱，什么是错觉.....也该把自己敲醒了，避免像上次与YK那样把自己搞到不上不下，生活也很糟糕。这时突然看到YK也上网，也在播着‘流沙’......那些回忆我应该不会忘记。不知他现在如何了，已接近一年没联络了，就算上网，我们也从不谈天。他应该已忘了我了......我呢？我不知道自己心里在想什么。太复杂了......

矛盾

是他对我有兴趣？还是我希望他对我有兴趣？别想那么多了，顺其自然吧！

有人对我好，却嫌弃。当没人对我好，却觉得自己很可怜。为何我那么矛盾呢？今天全部人都自己去training，我原本想跟其中一个的车，但人家已很明显显示不要载我了，我可以做什么呢？我脸皮并不厚，也知道应该要想别的办法了。还好我哥可以停我在附近，让我至少还可以走一小段路到达目的地。没事能难得倒我的，加油！

Expectations

Just finished my second day of training, still have 3 more days to go. Felt like going back to lecture life in uni life (suddenly miss those days in uni).....did learn some stuff which is really useful for work but not sure whether the company will change their policies just based on a few words from the speaker. But anyway, the main part is the food and most importantly is that I'm free from the boring office for half a day.

This week.........something did happen..........even now I still thought that I'm dreaming. The training that I attend is actually a external training held at somewhere near my company, walking distance may be around 20 minutes. What suprise me is that my senior volunteer to offer a ride. Everyday, he'll come to pick us up from the company. After the training, he also send us back to the company. Yesterday noon, it's raining slightly, so he sends us til the main lobby cause he afraid we'll get wet. After doing my OT, like usual I never expected to get a ride from anyone, as I already preparing to walk to the monorail. He was going back that time as well, together with another senior. That other senior jokingly asked him to send me off to monorail, so that I no need to walk there. Actually he at first ponder for awhile as he knew the road heading towards to the monorail is always jam, he has other alternative roads that didn't pass by the station. But then he still offer to drop me off at that station. Today, like usual after my OT, preparing to walk to monorail as well. Actually today I left earlier as I hit my target and don't want to stay in office anymore. Lucky me that another senior was going back that time as well and offer me a ride as well.

I'm that being lucky lately? But continuous to get free ride from my colleagues lately seems weird to me. I only have few conclusions, is either I'm extremely lucky OR my colleagues are doing 'charity' lately OR some of them 'bump' into my blog and knew the 'good' things I tell about them (but this seem to be impossible) OR .......Malaysia must be snowing.

Haha......some of you might thought that why I should even bother when people are treating me good. May be I get used to people treating me bad. To expect anyone to treat me nice without motives also is impossible in my life. But then, no matter what goes wrong lately, I will still live with expectation from myself only, never have any expectation from others.

不知道是我太敏感，还是我真的察觉到有人在监视着我。也不算监视那么恐怖啦，只是我的一举一动感觉上好像有人在观察着。有可能是他吗？最近工作很忙，根本就没时间理会这些事，就算他站在我前面看着我，我觉得我应该也是没反应。

这星期日，美云说要介绍一个男生给我，可能她已开始为我担心吧。但这些并无法可以控制，更无法让我能一见钟情吧。算了拉，我已答应她了，就当着是认识新朋友吧。

昨天，做case 已做得不省人事。为了生意，我已accept 了好多case，还好超越我们的target。之少，多多少少我的贡献也算蛮大。有没有人欣赏我的实力是另一回事，但我也不理会，只觉得很开心因我已学会了好多事，有许多工作上的疑问也得到答案和解答。

昨晚只做到11.30pm ，什么transit都应该停止营业了。看到同事们一堆一堆的一起carpool回家，可惜没人住我那一区，所以只好自己一个人回.......但也没人approach我，问我如何回。可能我看起来很独立很有思想吧，没什么事难得到我。真正的我，有那么坚强就好了......其实我的依赖心很重.......看到他们一个一个走，当时的我心里一直希望有人会问我........可惜没有。

我原本打算搭taxi，但又害怕一个人搭。结果还是打电话叫家人来载......我这个人就是这样，又想依赖人但又不想连累人，这么夜还要家人来载，心里又觉得难过。都怪自己......